Things We Should've Known
by Sensible Daydreamer
Summary: Ponyboy attempts suicide and although he survives, everyone else is left heart-broken and confused. The only choice he has now is to either confront the reason why he did it or forever live with the dark memories that have haunted him since. Short story. Rated M for mature themes and Swearing.
1. The Build Up

_Just been kind of sad lately… So I wrote this. Virtual hugs appreciated._

 _XO, Sensible Daydreamer_

Things We Should've Known

I put the pencil down and exhale loudly. Usually writing would excite me but this time it's hard. I can't form full sentences and the ones I do form are short in length. Nothing makes sense. My brain is fried.

The door opens and Dr. Achard walks in. He gives me a warm smile.

"Time's up, Ponyboy." I nod and push the notebook towards him. He picks it up and closes it; puts it underneath his arm and pulls up my clipboard to look at again. I look at him questioningly.

"Aren't you gonna read what I wrote?"

"No."

"Why'd you have me write if you're not even gonna read what I wrote?" He looks up at me with amusement and opens my notebook. He's barely given it a glance before he speaks up again.

"You didn't write about what you wanted to write about."

That's all he says before he leaves the room. I sink into my bed and rub furiously at my eyes.

XxXXxX

"Time's up. Pencil down." I do as I'm told and push the notebook towards him yet again.

Dr. Achard picks up my notebook and skims the page. He skims the page over and writes something down in it before closing it once more. He goes to leave when I speak up.

"So? What'd you think?" He pauses slightly.

"You didn't write what you wanted to write about." With that he leaves. The door closes with a soft thud.

Anger boils inside of me and I hurl the pencil against the wall. _Damn it!_

The door opens and Darry slips inside.

XxXXxX

 _It's all my fault._

 _Shit._

 _I drove them away. It was always a hard thing, trying to keep everyone together and happy, but this time I really did it._

 _And the worst part about it? I had hurt them. Bad…_

I've spent at least five minutes just staring at the blank page in front of me. I've practically thought up all the things I could possibly think to write. Horses, sunsets, the crappy food from the cafe, my favorite book…

But I know that once I'm done and he looks at it he's going to say the same thing again.

It's a lie, though. These really are the things I want to write about.

I'm just not writing what _he_ really wants me to write.

But I can't. Not that. Not yet. It's too painful.

I've only written one sentence when the door suddenly opens.

Times up.

Dr. Achard shuffles in once again. I heave a deep sigh.

I really hate hospitals.

XxXXxX

 _Social Workers had stopped by yesterday. They told my brothers that they weren't fit to be my guardians; but due to a certain appeal given in court not too long ago, they couldn't do anything about it._

 _Not now, anyways._

 _They would be keeping careful watch, though. They will fight them, too, if it means getting me to a 'better' home. I sobbed in my room after they left. No one knew._

 _I am so damn sorry…_

XxXXxX

"Look, Pony, I know it's tough with the therapy sessions, but-"

"No, Darry! You don't understand! I don't want to be _here_!" I try my best not to raise my voice at my brother. I love him so much; but he just doesn't get it.

"I know, kiddo…"

"No, you don't! You keep saying that but you don't, you never did! You're my big brother, I thought big brothers were supposed to know these kinds of things…" I am reminded of a similar argument we had not too long ago…

Darry lets out a shaky breath and hangs his head solemnly. "I want to understand, but you just keep closing yourself off to me… You gotta talk to me, kiddo. I can't help you if you won't talk to me…"

"But I did…" My voice breaks.

He sounds so sad my heart aches. He's different from how he was before and everything I've ever known him to be has now been replaced with someone who doesn't know what to do anymore; that's not Darry at all.

 _No, I ruined everything._

I was afraid of this. I turn away and throw my blanket over my head.

The silence in the room is deafening. I just can't do this anymore.

"Ponyboy-"

"Please just leave me alone…"

I wait for what seems like an eternity until I hear footsteps and the sound of the door opening and closing. Tears stream down my face and the pain in my heart throbs. I cry and cry until I fall asleep.

XxXXxX

"Excuse me?" Dr. Achard peeks up at me over his glasses. I cross my arms.

"I said I aint gonna write today. I don't want to." I'm fed up with it. All of this therapy crap. Being here, doing everything he tells me to do and still not doing enough. Dr. Achard blinks a few times before grabbing a nearby chair and sitting down.

"Ponyboy, why do you think I have you write?"

"Well you're a therapist. I told you I liked writing and you had me write. It's supposed to calm me down, isn't it?"

He gives a reluctant nod. "I suppose it was to do that. But that's not all there was to it. I had you write because it was the only way you'd feel comfortable talking about what happened."

 _I knew it._

"Well, I don't want to talk about that." I seethe.

"Of course you don't. Nobody ever does. It was a traumatic experience, what happened to you."

I roll my eyes.

"It's hard to cope with and can seem embarrassing, but you weren't to blame. You were a victim and he took advantage of you."

My stomach drops at that last sentence.

"What are you talking about?" My heart begins to beat faster.

"Ponyboy, every suicide and suicide attempt comes with a tragic backstory, and it's our jobs, as therapists, to do the research." He holds up his clipboard and raises his eyebrows ever so slightly. My blood runs cold.

 _No…_

"No. Y-you couldn't… That's impossible… Not just by looking at my chart…"

The room seems to get smaller and my brain switches into overdrive. Dr. Achard sits in a chair next to my bed.

"Son, listen to me. You and I both know that it doesn't take a genius to figure these kinds of things out. You aren't the only one. There are a lots of boys out there who have been through similar situations. But what's important right now is that we address your feelings towards your brothers and ultimately yourself. If you don't confront what had happened to you and keep it tucked away in the back of your brain, you'll only allow it to grow and take control of who you are."

I don't register what it is he's actually talking about. All I know is that someone else knows now. someone else knows what happened… How careless and stupid I was…

All of a sudden my head is heavy and I have to look down. It's both cold and hot in the room and I can feel myself shaking. This can't be happening…

I shut my eyes tightly. Words start to spin in my head.

 _I really didn't mean anything by what I had done._

"Son, if you don't want to talk about this now then you don't have to," Dr. Achard's voice seems to echo.

 _They ruined everything. No, I ruined everything._

"Ponyboy?" The beeping gets faster. The lights get brighter.

 _It wasn't fair. What they did to me… What had happened…_

"—Happening? Ponyboy? deep breaths, son, c'mon. Breathe…"

Everything that's haunted me, all of the feelings and nightmares that I have tried so hard to keep buried deep down inside of myself are now swirling inside of my brain.

It's sharp and excruciating.

 _"Two-Bit…" I tried to explain._

 _"Fuck you, Ponyboy."_

"Ponyboy? Son? Can you hear me? Hey!" Dr. Achard's voice dissipates into the blackness that envelopes me.


	2. Breaking Point

_Not sure when I posted the first chapter, but I definitely know I am posting this earlier than planned. I got too excited... again. P.S. This is a flashback; don't get confused, now, folks. Sensitive themes and swearing below; read at your own discretion._

XxXXxX

It's all my fault.

Shit.

I drove them away. It was always a hard thing, trying to keep everyone together and happy, but this time I really did it.

And the worst part about it? I had hurt them. Bad…

I really didn't mean anything by what I had done.

I just didn't want to go back to school.

People were acting weird around me; looking at me funny and saying things.

I had told them this before.

Darry understood why. But he said it'd get better. He said he was there if I needed him- but he still made me go.

Sodapop offered to come to attend a class every once in a while if it'd make me feel better. It didn't. But he came anyway. Him and Two-Bit.

It got so bad, even Steve changed- he treated me nicely and stopped growling. He stuck up for me in the hallways and kept me out of trouble when Two-Bit couldn't.

I was sick of it.

So, one day, I acted out. Turned chairs and tables over. I hurt people. Attacked guys that had once jumped me. I was older and stronger- they couldn't match me. It only got me suspended though; that was disappointing.

But when Darry and Soda found out, they exploded- the whole world did.

We fought about it. The whole neighborhood could hear it. They told me that what I had done would have severe consequences.

But they didn't listen to me when I tried to explain. They said things that really hurt. Things that scared me. But it probably wasn't as painful as the things I said back to them.

And I did, I said things.

Things like you're horrible guardians. I hate you. I'd rather be in a boy's home. Mom and dad would be disappointed.

Two-Bit and Steve were there. Their faces turning a shade paler at every sentence. Darry didn't say anything; he looked like he was ready to throw up. He went to his room. Soda ran out, Steve in tow- I could hear the sound of car doors being slammed shut and then the car squealing out of the driveway. Two-Bit had just stood there.

"Two-Bit…" I was going to explain to him why I said the things I did, but he stopped me.

"Fuck you, Ponyboy." He said in a shaky voice. He looked like he was going to cry. He left.

That all happened a couple days ago.

It's been tough since then. During the day, I never run into them, and when I do they don't look at me. They don't say anything. Sometimes when I go out for walks I see them with each other. They talk to each other. No doubt about me.

That's the hardest part. Watching them be that way. It was easier before because when they wanted to know something they'd ask; now, they just keep their distance.

And things kept falling apart.

Social Workers had stopped by yesterday. They told my brothers that they weren't fit to be my guardians; but due to a certain appeal given in court not too long ago, they couldn't do anything about it. Not now, anyways.

They would be keeping careful watch, though. They will fight them, too, if it means getting me to a 'better' home. I sobbed in my room after they left. No one knew.

I am so damn sorry. The guilt eats at me and there is nothing I wouldn't give to take everything back.

But there was nothing else to do! I needed them to understand but they refused to listen to me.

Ever since Johnny and Dallas's passing- well, my parents passing, really- something dark has started inside me. It spreads and makes me feel sad and empty. I didn't care about it before because I had Sodapop, and I thought it had completely faded when Darry and I had come to terms with each other after Windrixville but it didn't.

It got worse.

I was hurting so much inside. I just wanted to curl into a ball and die. I would wake up and feel this huge weight on my chest- on those days, I would tell my brothers that I was sick. They were never able to find anything wrong with me but usually complied at my request to stay home- usually.

Sometimes, even when I sit in class, the words that the teacher says get all jumbled and float around in the air. I'd spend most of the hour trying to grasp them and get them to make sense. But all they did was mock me. Me and my uselessness.

And then it happened. The thing that Dr. Achard had been talking about.

It was the most horrible thing. I shudder every time I think about it; it wasn't fair. What they did to me. What had happened…

I couldn't go back there. But Darry and Soda kept making me go.

And now, with everything that has gone down between us, I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff with no other choice but to jump.

The switchblade that Two-Bit had bought me for my recent birthday turns in one hand as I grip a piece of paper in the other.

 _What is it like being that cold?_

It's tempting; I've never thought about ending my own life but it seems that now is the best time to do it. Being dead can't possibly be as bad as living.

I look down at the note I wrote only moments ago.

 _I'm sorry for everything. – Ponyboy_

Damn. I'm so poetic.

It's raining outside. Tears stream down my cheeks. I furiously wipe them away.

I'm angry. Angry at myself for being so stupid and pathetic. Angry at my brothers for not being able to understand what this dark thing is inside me. Angry at my friends for being so protective and so careless at the same time. They ruined everything.

No, I ruined everything.

What the hell does anything mean anymore?

Exhaling sharply I bring the tip of the knife to my chest and hold it there. I count…

One…

Two…

Time stops and for a second I almost believe that I've actually done it. But when I open my eyes I see that I am still in that same position.

I throw the knife down. It clatters against the tile floor and slides in the opposite direction. Suddenly a searing pain catches my attention. I look down.

I didn't realize that I had cut myself. A small red trickle running down my arm. It hurts, but it's slightly comforting at the same time. I do it again.

One. Two. Four. Ten. I keep going; repeat until red is all I see. It hurts so damn good.

Huh.

I stare at the blood that's pooling in my lap and onto the floor. I should clean that up but I'm too physically drained to do anything. I rest my head against the cupboard.

I'm not stupid; I know what I've done and how bad it is. I never knew someone could go out this way. It's easier.

At least the emotion has subsided. It's not so bad anymore. There's just a fuzzy numbness buzzing through me.

I think about the gang and what they would think. What they would say. _Maybe it's for the better,_ I think woozily.

All the yelling… The things we said to each other… The Social Workers… It'll all be gone. No more.

 _Yeah. It'll all get better soon._

XxXXxX

I don't realize that I've fallen asleep until I hear screaming. It scares me but I don't jolt to it; I don't want them to feel bad for waking me.

I stay as I am.

Suddenly someone's shaking me violently.

"Ponyboy!" It's Soda. "Pony, honey… Oh no, no no no no no…. Shit! What the hell is this? Ponyboy, say something!" I'm so glad to hear him say my name. But why is he upset?

"Holy shit…" I hear Steve say.

"Steve call an ambulance! Phone Darry after that! Holy shit…" Soda sounds like he's losing it. I want to comfort him- if only he'd stop shaking me.

"Pony… baby, can you hear me?… Oh shit… Oh glory no…" Soda moans. He's crying now. He hugs me tightly. I'm confused and wonder what's going on. Sleep beckons me back again but I fight it. I can't sleep now; I need to know why Soda's upset.

"I called them!" Steve's back, this time out of breath. "Is he awake?"

Soda just cries.

"Sodapop." Steve says firmly. "You gotta snap out of it and check for a pulse- make sure he's alive."

Cold fingers press against my neck.

"I-I got one!" Soda chokes out. I hear a huge sigh.

Wait… Something happened… I try to remember what it was, but then I'm being moved again.

"We gotta get him out into the living room!"

Someone picks me up. As they do, my arm begins to throb and I groan in spite of myself.

"It's okay, kiddo… I got you…" Soda says, and it's comforting; I want to ask him what's going on but sleep catches me this time.

Everything goes silent.

XxXXxX

The pain is back but this time it's burning me.

I try to swat the fire off of my arm. It still hurts. I scream.

"Kid! Kid, stop! Go, get a doctor or somebody!"

Someone holds me down. They keep moving my arm but it's not helping; the pain persists.

It's hot and I can barely breathe. I start to cry. The hands on my arm loosen their grip.

"Sh… It's okay, Pony, you're okay…" Someone says softly. I know I know that voice, but for the life of me I can't place it.

"A-am I dead?" I ask. Something beeps.

"No," The voice is strained. "No, you aint, okay? Stop talking like that."

"I wish I were… It'd be a lot easier..." I'm too tired to say anything else. Suddenly there's soft weeping. A door creaks and there're footsteps.

I want to know why my arm hurts so bad, but I fall asleep before I can ask.

XxXXxX

When I wake again, I'm warm. It's a good feeling. But I know I'm not somewhere familiar; It's too soft here. I shift and inhale deeply. Antiseptic fills my nose and that's when everything rushes back to me.

XxXXxX

 _My poor Ponyboy... I promise it'll get better soon._

 _XO, Sensible Daydreamer_


	3. Lost and Found

_Sorry the update is late. Here you go. A tender mercy for the boy who needed it most._

XxXXxX

When I come to, the glow from the nightlight shines dim overhead and it's dark outside my window. There's nothing but silence; just a low humming noise and clicking from some machine out in the hall.

I inhale sharply and rub at the soreness in my chest. I can't remember the last time I'd blacked out like that…

Oh yeah. Dally's death. The one friend I could've actually saved…

It's funny, you know. I mean, lying here in a hospital is the only time I can think about my friends' deaths and not feel like the world is going to implode. But maybe that's just because there isn't any hurt left to feel. It's all been used up and wrung out of me.

Now I'm just a big pile of worn out garbage. Numb. And very exhausted. I close my eyes and let out a long sigh.

Tired of feeling sorry for myself, I reach down alongside the railing for the call button. My throat is dry.

Once I find it I feel the smoothness of the plastic and think. Something tells me I should press it but instead I slowly sit up, swing my legs over the edge and sit forward.

It's stupid but I'm craving some physical exertion. I've been confined to this damn hospital bed for a week. It wouldn't hurt to get up and walk around a little.

It's tricky for the first couple of steps, but once I get past the dizziness I'm fine. I walk to the door.

Peeking out into the hallway I look around. There's no one in sight. Quickly, I run down the hall and peek around the corner. This hall is longer and wider, but I can spot the exit sign.

I know I shouldn't but I go for it.

Blood pumping and wind gathering I can feel the energy surge throughout my entire body as I speed towards the door. I notice a nurse at the desk but I am too fast for her to get a good look at me.

I practically break down the door as I rush out into the cold night. My legs are burning but I keep going. I can hear shouting from behind me and I know I won't get that far but I recall Dr. Achard's words and realize what he was getting at.

I am only as free as I make myself to be.

I keep running even though my surroundings aren't familiar. I whiz past the parking lot, a gas station, and a motel. The lights are bright and it looks like the whole town is glowing. It reminds me of my parents… how they'd take us into town on the weekends. We were all happier and closer back then; I longed to be that way again with my brothers.

I finally lose steam after reaching some memorial park. I sit down on a bench to catch my breath. I haven't felt this thrilled in a long time.

I lean back against the chair and flinch against the coldness of it. _Damn_. I forgot I was still wearing pajamas- the doctor had given me these since I refused to wear the hospital gown.

Rubbing my arms, I take in my surroundings.

The park isn't all that big. It's a medium sized plot of grass with trees scattered across it. It's simple but kind of beautiful at the same time; I'm betting the sunset is real pretty from this view.

As I walk, I look at all the headstones in the grounds and wonder about them. The names are unfamiliar but I can't help but to think about how each one lived. What each person looked like.

Did they lead happy lives? Were they satisfied with themselves? Or were they sad? Maybe they were also attacked at a young age… No on understood them or even tried to…

I wonder if anyone here has ever killed themselves.

 _What is it like over there?_ I think this thought and I'm sure some dead person on that side hears me. _I know you can hear me!_ I stand still and foolishly wait for an answer.

Suddenly a siren sounds off in the distance. Instinct kicks in and I go further into the park, finding myself a good-sized tree and sitting behind it.

I wait and listen.

The sirens get louder and just when I think they've spotted me and are about to pull over, they then get softer, tapering off into the distance.

I know it's really dumb. I wasn't just admitted into the hospital because of serious injuries; I'm still on lockdown until they are sure that I won't off myself at the next chance I get. I understand. But keeping me cooped up in a stuffy room 24/7 isn't exactly the best way to help me 'cope' with my feelings.

As my eyes adjust to the darkness, I am surprised to see that the memorial park actually sits on a hill. The backside drops down and extends into a large field bordered by a forest. Johnny flashes in my mind.

Something tugs at my heart and I am compelled to go down further.

Walking down, I continue my little game. I smile at the people with the more interesting last names and slow my pace near soldiers, giving my respect, or trying to. It makes me sad that these guys died the way that they did. It wasn't fair.

Life isn't ever fair for the unlucky ones.

Once the ground has evened out I walk towards the nearest grave I see.

And then my heart stops.

 _Darrel Shayne Curtis, Sr._ In great disbelief I shake my head and look at the headstone next to it. _Jeanette L. Curtis._

"Mom… dad…"

XxXXxX

It feels like I've been there for hours.

I just cry and when I don't cry I'm talking up a storm.

Things come out and I don't make sense of them, but I keep talking. Because the need for it aches. And also because I know that even though they're not here they'll help me.

Somehow, they always find a way.

XxXXxX

It's hard finding my way back to the hospital. My feet ache and my eyelids are heavy. My body feels like it's going to drop any second but my brain is whirring at the speed of light. I can't stop thinking about my parents.

I thought that freedom would be found in running away. It's what I wanted, after all- to run away from my problems and never go back. Just like how Johnny and I did when we ran away to Windrixville.

Of course, I should've known better. Running away wasn't the answer. You'd think that after everything that had happened back then that sentiment would've been ingrained in my brain but it wasn't.

Not until I saw my parents at the memorial park.

I know for sure that they wouldn't want this for me. They'd want me to be happy. But to be happy, I need to help myself. I need to see a way out of this; a way that doesn't involve hurting myself constantly. but that also includes staying right where I am and not running.

Dallas ran and he died for it.

There's an unsettling feeling in my stomach. I need to talk to someone about this.

I know who to go to, I'm just not sure if he'll say the things that I need to hear.

XxXXxX

Once I'm finally to the hospital, I can feel my legs about to give out. There are police cars parked in the front and I can even see Darry's car. I try to pick up the pace, but the fatigue coupled with the sharpness of the cold air makes me come to an eventual stop. I lean against the nearest wall and slowly slide down to the ground.

"...within a few blocks…"

"…can't say where… need to check on 42nd…."

If there was ever a time to get their attention, it'd be now. I cough a couple times before calling out to one of the nearby officers. It takes a couple of calls but he finally turns towards me and starts to run.

"Here! The kid is over here!" The officer leans down and checks me over, yelling a couple of things into his walkie talkie. Other officers have caught on to the commotion and are running in different directions; some into the hospital and others into their cars.

"Hey, kid, are you alright?" He asks me this while checking my pulse. I just nod and close my eyes. I can feel him put a jacket around my shoulders.

"Where's Darry?" I ask softly. It takes a while for the cop to register that I'm talking to him.

"What'd you say?"

"Darry, my brother… where is he?" He stares unsuredly at me. Another officer leans down towards him.

"The brother, Cal. Darrel Curtis." Instant recognition crosses his face.

"Oh, Mr. Curtis. He and Dr. Achard went inside a while ago with your other brother. They should be out soon." With that the officer stands up and says something in a low voice to the one that spoke to him.

I turn my head towards the front entrance of the hospital and just as I do, Darry is rushing out. It doesn't take long for him to spot me.

I've never seen him run so fast in my entire life. And I went to all of his football games.

He's careful, but he pulls me in and hugs me for a long time. Something deep inside me sparks and I wilt a little bit.

"Holy hell, Ponyboy you scared us half to death. where've you been?" His voice wavers as he pulls away. As I look at him, really look at him, I see how scared he is. His ice blue eyes are no longer cold but dull and pained. They've been this way for a while now, but this is the first time I'm seeing it for what it really is.

For the first time I see how much he's been hurting.

Soda is out soon after he's asked that and he's equally as fast. His hug is fierce and I can feel him shaking. He doesn't say anything though, and I know it's because he's crying. My heart aches.

"I'm sorry…" is all I can get out without bursting into tears. Soda just hugs me harder and rocks us back and forth. Darry closes his eyes tightly and puts his arms around the both of us.

For once there's no strain or tension between the three of us.

It's nice.

XxXXxX

 _Sorry it's not as angsty as the last couple of chapters but I thought it'd be nice to have a little bit of a reliever. Also, sorry it's a super late update; I'm in Japan on a choir tour and it's exhausting. If there's anything you guys recommend I eat while I am here, though, I'm all for it!_ _J_

 _XO, Sensible Daydreamer_


	4. Coming Clean

_OK- so long story short my computer broke down a couple months ago and I just got it fixed. Anyway, I'm back ya'll and ready for action!_

XxXXxX

A week has passed since I ran away from the hospital. Seven whole days of trial and travail and I have to say that despite the short time difference, my life has gotten significantly better than it has ever been.

Not long after I had been found, after everyone was reassured that I was safe and secure, the sun had already come out for the next day. The news people were swarming and patrol engines had long since been burning; there was shouting all up and down the halls for days. It was like I was reliving Windrixville all over again.

But it was okay, I guess. I was glad for it because no one had died this time around.

Dr. Achard had come in to check on me that afternoon and that was the first time I talked in full detail about what had happened.

It took a while to tell all of it in its entirety- I had left details out, thinking very foolishly that he couldn't be bothered with the minor things but then he went through my files with me. Pulled out newspaper clippings and told me what he knew. But that didn't scare me like it had last time; I knew I could trust him the moment he stepped foot inside my room.

So, on top of the memories that haunted me the most, I told him everything else. What had really happened with Johnny and Dallas and my parents and everything. I told him where I went when I ran away and what I saw. I even told him about the crippling fear and self-doubt that I had and what I hated most about myself.

And after all was said and done he let the room settle again before speaking.

 _"I'm very sorry, Ponyboy."_

 _"It's okay…" I say quietly._

 _"No, it's not. I want you to know that these things- what happened to you- are incredibly cruel and unfair and completely not okay."_

 _Dr. Achard takes a deep breath before continuing._

 _"But you know… It's okay that things aren't okay because that tells you that you're human. You hurt because haven't gone past the point of feeling. And these things that you feel, no matter how painful or excruciating, you feel them with a heart that still has much to give. And after everything you've been through, it's nothing short of a miracle that you can still find a way to carry on. I think that makes you pretty amazing, don't you?"_

 _A lump forms in my throat. All I can do is stare at him. All I can do is listen._

 _"Son, you have to know that talking about these things isn't easy for anyone- much less someone your age," I cringe inwardly at his words but I let him continue, "This is a huge step forward for you. You should consider this an accomplishment." He looks at me encouragingly._

 _I think about it for a second and let it sink in. For once, I'm being acknowledged as a person, despite the miscommunication that lead me to be misunderstood in the first place. For once, someone's listened to me without stressing me out throughout the conversation. I think about how I feel and the kind of person I want to be in life. I think of my brothers and my parents and how much good I want to do for them._

 _The incredible weight that has been crushing me has been lifted._

 _I realize that for the first time in the longest time I am. I am pretty damn amazing._

 _"Something has changed inside of you, Ponyboy." He says, smiling. I can't help but smile a little myself._

 _"Yeah, I guess something has."_

 _Dr. Achard shifts, restacking the papers in his lap._

 _"So what are you going to do about your brothers?"_

 _"My brothers?"_

 _"Yes. From what you've talked about, family is a big priority for you."_

 _"Well yeah, I mean… They mean everything to me." Dr. Achard nods._

 _"And from some of the observations that I've made about the way you boys interact, it is apparent that there is a rift between you. Something, I imagine, that has been there long before any of this started."_

 _I sigh and look out the window._

 _"This isn't any of my concern but I think you should talk to them. Tell them everything you've told me."_

 _"I want to but what would they say?"_

 _It scares me to think about how my brothers would react. I think if they knew, they would hate me for the rest of my life. They might even blame themselves for not being there. And I don't know which is worse._

 _"You shouldn't worry about what they'll think. They're your brothers. If everything you told me about them is true then maybe talking to them might be what all of you need."_

 _Before I can respond, the door opens and in walks a nurse with my brothers in tow. Guess my time is up. Dr. Achard gets up from his chair and nods to everyone, turning to me before heading out._

 _"Just think about it."_

I spent the rest of the week pondering his words. Think, hypothetically, how I would tell them if I decided to. I'm running out of time.

Today is the last day I'll have to stay at the hospital. And tonight I'll be discharged and sent home- finally. I know my brothers have been eagerly waiting for this day to happen. I was supposed to leave a couple days ago, but, of course, due to recent events they kept me in longer.

But as great as it sounds, going home will mean nothing if I don't fix things between my brothers and I. Everything will just go back to the way it was before. I need to fix this now before it gets to that.

Suddenly the door opens, interrupting my train of thought.

"Heya kiddo, how you feelin'?" Sodapop smiles at me, slipping into the room.

"I'm fine. How was work?" He rolls his eyes, dragging one of the chairs next to the bed before flopping down into it.

"It was great," he drawls. "I read that same Home Notes shit that Mac still leaves lyin' around the shop and then after that I counted how many loose bolts I could spot on the ground."

I pick up my pillow and smack him with it. He lets out a laugh.

"Aw, c'mon Pone, work sucks, work _ing_ sucks, everything about that place sucks." He leans back in his chair, trying to balance on one leg.

"I thought you liked working at the DX."

"Sure I do- but not on the borin' days. Which is pretty much every other day of the week. Besides it doesn't beat coming here to see my baby brother," he coddles.

Glaring at him, I swing my leg out and kick Soda's chair backwards, sending him falling to the ground with a huge thud. I flinch, biting my lip to keep from laughing.

"Now _that_ was rude." Soda groans, putting his hands on his head.

"Aw I'm sorry. You okay?" I ask, grinning.

"Oh I'm fine."

"Want me to help you up?"

"Nah… View is actually kinda nice from down here…" He flashes me a smile.

I roll my eyes. The door opens again and in walks Darry holding a paper bag, no doubt full of food.

"Hey, Dar."

"Hey, kiddo…" He looks at Soda sprawled on the ground, closing the door behind him before giving him a disapproving look. "Get up off the floor."

"Yes commander, sir!" Soda says goofily before standing up. Darry just shakes his head and puts the bag down on the side table.

"How you feelin', Pony?" He asks. I shrug my shoulders. Give him the same answer I gave to Soda.

" 'M Fine, I guess. Ready to go home tomorrow, that's for sure." This elicits a smile out of the both of them.

"Yeah. The gang's all gonna be there and we're gonna throw you a party to celebrate, it's gonna be great!" Soda beams.

I can feel my ears get red and I look down. It's really great of them to do something like this, but I was never one for parties. Darry clears his throat.

"Yeah, kiddo, it'll be great." He echoes. I don't miss the quick look they give each other.

"What is it?"

"I, uh, invited Dr. Achard to come too."

"Oh…" I say, a little surprised.

"We just thought you might've liked having him there," Soda says quickly.

"It's not that I don't want him there… exactly… But… don't you think that'd be, I dunno, a little weird?" I fumble with my words.

"I mean, it wouldn't hurt, right?" Soda asks hopefully.

Again, I like Dr. Achard, I trust him, but to have him there is like inviting my English teacher to one of my birthday parties; two parts of my life coming together that aren't ever supposed to intertwine with each other. Ever.

Involuntarily, I let out a groan. Darry loses a little color in his face and Sodapop kind of recoils into himself.

"It was just an invitation, Ponyboy. He didn't say whether or not he was comin'…" Darry says quietly, looking down. Silence fills the room.

This. _This_ is what I was talking about. My brothers react so easily to what I say now, and it's never in a way that promotes positive progression. I'm so sick of it and yet it's the very reason that forces me to keep silent about the things I need to talk about most.

But the silence this time is too much. It's choking me. The colors in the room seem to run together and the light almost goes out in my vision. What's left of my sanity dies out in an instant and, in the spur of the moment I do something I never do.

I go against my better judgment.

"Can I say something?" I ask. I can hear my heart beating loudly in my ears.

"Of course."

"Anything, kiddo."

I close my eyes for a moment. _Well, here goes nothing._

XxXXxX

They sat there unmoving and closely focused on me throughout the entire thing. I talked about everything Dr. Achard encouraged me to talk about, even when it came to my feelings about myself and also about them.

"And when we argued… I didn't mean it when I said those things to you two," tears start to cloud my eyes. "Honest I didn't… It's just that, I felt like we were worlds apart from each other and no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't get you to understand… and then…" I stopped for a moment, knowing what I was going to say next might truly break them.

"Then, I thought… maybe, you guys didn't understand because…you didn't care."

My hands are trembling, cold, despite it being a hundred degrees in here.

"Oh, Pone…" Soda chokes. He reaches for me but I shrink away from him.

"It was stupid thinking that, I get that now." Wiping my tears with my other hand, I look up at them. "I mean… You're all I have and all I did was hurt you."

Darry pulls me in tightly, speaking in a strained, but unwavering voice. "Kiddo, there aint nowhere in this world that I would rather be than to be here with you and Sodapop, okay? We love you so damn much, the only thing that hurts is that you would ever think we could care less about you."

Releasing me, he heaves a grave sigh, scratching the back of his head.

Soda rubs at his face. "And we're sorry, Pone. We should've talked to you about it… we knew you were different, but we didn't stop to think that it was bigger than it seemed. I mean we should've known…I should've known…" he whispers.

"It's okay, really!" I say quickly. "Please don't feel bad. I told you these things because I want you guys to be a part of my life. And if I really want to change then I'm gonna need your help and support."

Both of them smile. Darry gently puts his arm around me as Soda grabs my hand.

"Always, Ponyboy. You will always have our support."

Everything is going to be okay now. Things can only get better from here because we're starting all over again.

Grinning I look at my brothers as they start to lighten the mood up again. It's not too long after that that Steve and Two-Bit barge in; I guess they couldn't wait for us to get home.

Later that night, as I'm packing my things, I am briefly reminded of my parents and the memorial. _They'll help me… Somehow, they always find a way…_

I smile.

 _Thank you._

XxXXxX

 _And the end! Thank you guys so much for the reviews and the love and for sticking it out with me, despite the hiccup that was my computer breaking down. Love you all and, as always, stay tuned for more!_

 _XO, Sensible Daydreamer_


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